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[Cheering and applause]
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
I'm John Oliver. Thank you for being with us.
Just time for a quick recap of the week,
and it has been dominated here in the U.S. by the NFL,
the FIFA of American sports.
In July, there was outrage
when Ray Rice of the Baltimore Ravens
received just a two-game suspension
after assaulting his then-fiancee.
That outrage over that decision only got louder this week
when a horrifying video of the assault was released.
Many in the world of sport were rightly disgusted,
although often for unnecessarily specific reasons.
If my daughter was to, you know,
get hit like that from another man,
you know, I'd have a serious problem with it.
Having a daughter and having a wife, you know,
I agree with their decision.
Take your sister, your mom,
your significant other,
if you have a daughter,
and just put her face on Janay Rice's face.
Now tell me, would you give the guy a second chance then?
Or--or--here's a crazy idea--
you could put away your magic face-switching machine
and just be upset about the incident
as it actually happened.
Because you should not need to insert a relative
into a horrifying situation to make it horrific.
For instance, I hate Sea World's treatment of whales
on principle alone, not just because my father is an orca.
[Applause]
See you at Christmas, Dad.
I'll bring some fish.
The NFL has behaved characteristically appallingly
throughout this entire controversy.
But perhaps the most amazing response of the week
came from Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti,
a candy apple with teeth,
who--who--who has admitted failing to do enough
when the assault first happened,
but who is now, for some reason,
trying to spin this whole mess as a positive.
If this is a seminal moment for domestic violence
and the way we handle it as a society,
then that's not a burden for us to be that poster boy.
It's not.
Now, I'm embarrassed about it,
but 5 years from now, things have changed
significantly for the better, I'll be proud of it.
What? "Really, you should all be thanking me.
"I've handled this situation so badly,
"I might accidentally instigate social progress.
"Think of it this way-- you don't get to Rosa Parks
"without Rosa Parks' bus driver,
"and that is me!
"You're welcome, everyone! You're welcome.
I did it!"
Now, moving on-- moving on, ISIS.
Their influence in the Middle East grows, and on Wednesday,
the president announced to the nation that yet again,
America would launch a military intervention into Iraq.
Our objective is clear--
we will degrade and ultimately destroy ISIL
through a comprehensive and sustained
counter-terrorism strategy.
As Americans, we welcome our responsibility to lead.
Yeah, but do we welcome it in this case?
Or is it like when the printer at work runs out of toner
and there's no one else around who can fix it?
"Aw, shit, do I really have to take the lead on this again?
Fuck! Nobody else, nobody else."
Here's the problem-- almost everyone on Earth
would like ISIS gone.
And yet, understandably, no one is eager
to be the one to deal with it.
Which is why--as difficult as this might be--
Americans need to come together and demand, with one voice,
that Peru should really do something about this.
Seriously, Peru. Seriously.
ISIS, Peru, poses a threat to the entire globe,
and you are just sitting there!
Life isn't just a fairytale land of alpacas and pan flutes, Peru.
At some point, you've got to pull your weight.
And don't give me the whole, "Oh, but John,
"our population is the size of Texas,
and the war on terror is a hopeless geopolitical paradox!"
That's bullshit, Peru!
And also, it is not like you've got better things to do.
I have seen how you people spend your time.
If you have a pet, a lot of you,
a lot of us have taught the pet
to sit, shake, maybe roll over.
What about surf?
MAN: A Peruvian man has trained his pet alpaca to do just that.
Alpacas are from the Andean highlands,
are raised by Peruvians for their wool.
Pisco the alpaca, who wears a flotation vest...
FEMALE NEWSCASTER: I hope so.
and surfs for a little while and then eventually goes,
"Ooh, get me out of here!"
Oh, oh, oh, sure. That looks fun.
But playtime's over, assholes!
ISIS is a menace, and it is 100% up to you, Peru,
to get rid of them.
Then, and only then,
do you have permission to clamber back on a surfboard
with a sopping-wet alpaca.
And finally this week,
there was some big news from the world of food.
Specifically, Olive Garden.
They started the week launching their latest promotion.
Olive Garden is taking all you can eat to a whole new level.
The chain now is introducing a never-ending pasta pass.
So, for $100, you can eat all the pasta, salad,
bread, and soft drinks you want for 7 weeks.
7 weeks of Olive Garden food.
That is pretty much a one-way ticket to the hospitaliano.
Now, unfortunately, unfortunately for them,
their publicity bump was undercut
when an activist hedge fund
seeking to replace Olive Garden's management
released this damning report essentially pointing out that
all that pasta you can eat is shit.
Darden Restaurant's beating on earnings but gets handed
a 300--300-slide presentation
from activist hedge fund Starboard
with advice on how to cut costs
and improve its Olive Garden chain,
which, of course, that makes sense,
including, though, easing up on bread, pushing more alcohol,
and salting the pasta water.
That's right. Because according to
one of the slides,
they no longer put salt in the water they use to boil pasta,
because that way, this is the reason,
they get a longer warranty on their pots.
Although what is really shocking there
is that Olive Garden uses pots at all.
I always just assumed that they microwaved cold pasta
between two damp paper towels.
That's what it tastes like.
The slides--the slides go on
to argue that Olive Garden serves
"a mushy, unappealing product."
Also, that "fried lasagna bites are not authentic Italian,"
describing them as "barely edible."
Also, saying of another dish,
"Vegetable lasagna topped with chicken doesn't make any sense,"
which is fair,
and also that customers are "consistently disappointed."
But my favorite slide shows a photo
of the vegetable lasagna on the menu,
and then juxtaposes that
with what customers were actually served.
What happened there?
I can only presume that between the first and the second photo,
that vegetable lasagna developed
a massive crystal meth addiction.
And if you think that PowerPoint presentation
was aggressive, just wait until you see the ads they're running
to shame Olive Garden into changing its ways.
MAN: Come on down to Olive Garden
for an inauthentic Italian experience
that is guaranteed to leave your family
consistently disappointed.
Our food is mushy, unappealing, barely edible,
and looks nothing like any of this.
And while you're here, come visit our kitchen
to see our many still- under-warranty pots,
uncorroded by any form of seasoning
that might pleasure a customer's mouth.
That's why we have some of the oldest pots around.
In fact, think of us as a pot museum
that occasionally serves something resembling food.
Because we care about them a lot more than we care about you.
[Cheering and applause]
But our main story--
our main story this week is Scotland.
Americans know it as the birthplace of Shrek
and that accent you think you can do but actually can't.
Well, this coming Thursday,
Scotland is facing a major decision.
MAN: Scotland will vote this week
on whether to leave the United Kingdom.
For the first time in modern history,
London could be at risk of losing control of Scotland.
It could become its own country.
Yes, it seems like England may lose yet another country.
And look, look, I'm not saying
the sun is setting on the British empire.
Let's just say the restaurant of history
is switching to its dinner menu.
Now, now, there is a lot to explain here,
especially because when most American people
think about Scottish independence,
they tend to picture this.
They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom!
Ah, yes, nothing screams "Scottish freedom" quite like
a millionaire Australian anti-Semite on horseback.
So--so--let me--let me bring you up to date here.
Scotland is currently a member of the United Kingdom,
which is not a country.
It's actually a complicated political and economic union.
Think of it as an archipelagic supergroup
comprised of 4 variously willing members.
And to understand why Scotland may want to leave,
you really need to understand the history
of its relationship with England.
MAN: For centuries, England and Scotland remained separate
and frequently at war.
But in 1707, they formed a single country, Great Britain,
a decision that's been controversial
in Scotland ever since.
Oh, yeah, I'd say it's still controversial, given that--
as you can see here-- we are still
role-playing with wooden swords
to try and emotionally work through it.
So, Scotland and England have been involved in something of a
300-year arranged marriage.
And look, I will be the first one to acknowledge,
England has been a little bit of a dick since the honeymoon.
In 1746, we actually banned the kilt,
just because we knew they liked it.
And then we chose "God Save the King"
as the U.K.'s national anthem, a song which at one point
had a verse referencing "Rebellious Scots to crush."
Although--although to be fair, we later realized that was wrong
and replaced it with a line about pissing on the Welsh.
But 2 1/2 years ago, it was announced that Scotland would
finally get to vote on its independence.
And since then, there has been a spirited campaign.
WOMAN: There are two campaigns--
"Yes, Scotland," backed by the S.N.P.
and the Scottish Greens, and "Better Together."
OK, for a start, "Better Together"
is not a great name for a campaign.
It sounds like what people say to convince themselves
to stay in a dead marriage.
"Look, look, I'm not saying we're good together, Marion.
"I'm saying we're better together.
"Tax-wise, it's preferable to the alternative.
Why are you crying, Marion? I'm saying something nice."
And if you think their name is uninspiring,
wait until you hear their slogan.
No, thanks.
No, thanks is a violently British way to refuse something.
That is just one step away from "Oh, I couldn't possibly."
But--but what is--what's--what's even more interesting here
is who is helping fund these two campaigns.
"Harry Potter" author J.K. Rowling
wants Scotland to stay part of the U.K.
Rowling has donated $1.6 million
to the Better Together campaign.
Yeah, but that's not really a surprise, is it?
She famously wrote a book where a redhead played second fiddle
to a magical Englishman.
"Come along, Ron. Come along.
"I shall have all the powers,
"and your brothers can die fighting my wars.
Come along, come along."
Meanwhile, meanwhile, the opposing side has received
80% of its funding from these two people.
WOMAN: Jackpot! A Scottish couple scoop
161 million pounds on the lottery,
making them Europe's biggest-ever winners.
That's right. The pro-independence campaign
is predominantly financed by lottery winners.
They're like an adorable Scottish version
of the Koch brothers.
So--so let's just look at the two arguments.
First, the case in favor of Scottish independence.
We can take matters into Scottish hands.
No one, absolutely no one, will run the affairs of this country
better than the people who live and work in Scotland.
And to be fair, he might be right about that.
Scots know how to run a country.
Because when they got to choose a national animal,
they selected--and I swear this is true--a unicorn.
[Laughter and applause]
Who knew you were allowed to do that?
Pick a fictional animal? Yeah. Yeah.
America's probably kicking itself for choosing
the bald eagle now, aren't you?
You could've picked a Wookiee in a top hat,
or whatever the fuck Grimace is. Look.
He looks like a magic genie
granted a wish to Gorbachev's birthmark.
But--and also--also, for their national flower,
the Scots chose a thistle.
That is a plant made out of tiny knives
and a throwing staff!
"The only flower I like is a flower that could
pierce an Englishman's throat!"
And look, look, there are legitimate reasons
for Scotland to want to govern itself.
For instance, it's a predominantly liberal country,
which has frequently been governed by a conservative
U.K. government.
And seldom has that divide been more pronounced
than right now, when the U.K.'s prime minister is David Cameron.
MAN: Cameron's problem is that as a posh southern Tory,
he's seen in Scotland as the personification of everything
that's wrong with England and the U.K.
Yeah, I agree with that.
He embodies all the things I hate most about England,
and I'm English!
Let me prove this to you.
This is a picture of him as a student at Oxford.
He's in fucking tails!
Now, Cameron says he's
desperately embarrassed by that photo,
which is why it pains me so much to be showing it to you.
Can we get a close-up on his face?
Because that is the face of a man
who fast-forwards through the servant parts
of "Downton Abbey." Just--"Uh. Uh."
"Who cares what's happening downstairs? Uh.
Let's just hope the soup doesn't get cold."
In fact, let me show you what an asshole David Cameron is.
One of the biggest issues in the independence debate
concerns the fact that Scotland has
a surprisingly large amount of oil.
But watch how David Cameron responded
to a simple parliamentary question
about who should control revenues from it.
A poll last week showed that 68% of Scots
want oil revenues devolved to Scotland.
Does the prime minister agree
with 68% of Scots, or does he not?
If, uh...
if you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer.
Waaa, waaa, waaa! Waaa, waaa, waaa, waaa, waaa!
Imagine that sound for 300 years,
and it gives you some sense of why Scotland
may be ready to leave.
OK, so, let's look at the anti-independence campaign now.
Clearly, they had some serious work to do.
Unfortunately, their attempts to win hearts and minds
involved this controversial commercial, targeted at women,
featuring a Scottish mother
confused by the whole concept of independence
who has just sent her kids off to school.
Best time of the day, this. When they're all out.
Nice and quiet. Gives you time to think.
Helps you clear your head.
Shame it only lasts for two minutes.
Don't get me wrong, I know how important this vote is.
There's not much time left for me to make a decision.
But there's only so many hours in the day.
"Oh! It's so confusing! It hurts my wee head!
"I'm just a woman.
"Y'know, just a pair of ovaries and some bangs.
"How do I possibly have the mental capacity
"to pick from one of two options?
"Put me down for a "no," and never trust me
with an important decision again."
What is--what's crazy about this--
[Applause]
the crazy thing about this is that the anti-independence side
actually has some legitimate arguments to make.
Leaving the U.K. could potentially have some serious
consequences for Scotland.
MAN: If they vote for independence,
Scots have been warned that they risk
losing the pound as their currency.
Yeah, they could lose the pound, and that's not nothing.
Because if they do, they'd either have to join
the currently-unstable Euro or revert to Scotland's
old currency, which I believe was sheep and threats.
"I'll give you 3 sheep for it and a punch in the face.
Do we have a fucking deal?"
Why do they hate us?
And--and also, while the pro-independence campaign
has put a great deal of emphasis on Scotland's oil,
there are genuine concerns over how much might actually be left.
MAN: Reserves are dwindling.
The Office for Budget Responsibility
expects the number of barrels produced to decline from
two million a day in 2012 to just half a million in 2040.
And if that's true, that might be a problem,
because if you've ever been there, you will know that
solar power is not an option for Scotland.
So, those are the two sides.
And with the vote just days away,
this thing is set to go down to the wire.
WOMAN: This morning in shock, Brits woke up
to headlines like these--
"Don't let me be the last queen of Scotland,"
"Last stand to keep the union."
A new poll for the U.K. "Sunday Times" newspaper shows
51% of Scots plan to vote yes for independence.
And if it comes down to just one vote, we all know
who will be called upon to break that tie.
Go with your gut, Nessie. You do you, Nessie.
You do you.
It seems--it seems like
there is a real chance that Scotland may leave.
And if they do, just so you know,
there are going to be some significant consequences
for everybody.
MAN: They might also have to say cheerio
to something more symbolic, the beloved Union Jack.
You see, the current flag, which hasn't changed
in over 200 years, is a mix between
England's cross of St. George,
Scotland's cross of St. Andrew,
and Ireland's cross of St. Patrick.
The government could ditch the blue and white
cross of St. Andrew for something that looks like this.
Oh, great. Great. Well, there goes
my fucking bedspread,
my shower curtain, my wallpaper, and my dog.
Unbelievable. We can't do it.
But it--it is not just flags that are a cause for concern.
There is also the small matter of this.
The Scottish National Party wants to get rid
of the nuclear weapons that are currently based in Scotland
and ship them back to England, and that would be a huge problem
for the United Kingdom.
Yeah, that would also be a huge problem for everybody,
because we have nowhere to keep them right now.
I guess we could disguise them as Buckingham Palace guards,
but people are going to notice that after a while.
And Scotland wants those weapons gone.
Their leaders have described them as--and I quote--
"an affront to basic decency."
And this is coming from the land of the haggis,
a boiled sheep's stomach stuffed with organ meat.
It is no wonder the British government
is suddenly panicking.
They are scrambling to make nice with Scotland,
but here's the problem--when you haven't been nice to someone
for a thousand years, it's very difficult to suddenly start.
For instance, last week, they tried raising the Scottish flag
over 10 Downing Street.
Watch how that went.
MAN: On the roof of Downing Street,
on the orders of the prime minister, no less.
A moment of high symbolism.
Oh, dear.
And it's not as though everything
was going swimmingly before.
That's right.
Not even English flag poles
can suddenly start treating Scotland
with the respect it deserves.
"Get this rag off me!
"Get it off. I can't.
Get this blue mess off me!"
And, and in a last-ditch effort, David Cameron has even tried,
like a romantic hero, to turn up at Scotland's door
and plead for them, plead for them not to leave.
I would be heartbroken if this family of nations
that we've put together,
and that we've done such amazing things together,
if this family of nations was torn apart.
That's it?
That's the best pleading you've got?
There are only 4 days left.
Look, if I've learned one thing
from the last 4 minutes of British romantic comedies,
it's that's if you're trying to win someone over,
you need a big romantic gesture.
A kiss in the rain. A kiss in the snow.
Turning up to someone's door with romantic signs
expressing your love for them,
because you can't say it out loud because her husband,
your best friend, is in the next room,
which is a bit fucked-up, but, but, but it is effective.
It's effective. So, with that in mind,
let's do this, because right now, Scotland,
I'm just a boy, standing in front of a nation,
asking it to continue tolerating me.
You want me to show you what I'm
willing to do to save this relationship?
Here, I will eat some haggis. Look. I'll do it.
Mmm. Mmm. Oh. Oh, yes.
Mmm, sheep lungs.
There are literally sheep lungs in my mouth.
Let me just wash that down with some fine Scottish whiskey.
[Cheering and applause]
[Coughing]
Ugh, [coughing] it tastes like a delicious house fire!
Look at me, Scotland. I'm drunk on scotch,
I'm trying to choke back sheep-lung vomit,
so kiss me, Scotland.
What do you mean this isn't enough?
Look! Look! Here's your national animal!
[Cheering and applause]
There it is. Hello, unicorn. Hello.
And if that's not enough, I'll make the ultimate sacrifice.
Oh, yes. That's right,
I will feign enjoyment of bagpipe music,
the atonal death squeal of your people.
I believe this particular song
is called "Cat Bronchitis in A minor."
And I love it.
In fact, there's just one problem--
it's simply not loud enough.
[Cheering] [Bagpipes playing]
[Cheering]
MAN: And now, newscasters misidentifying
photographs as selfies.
WOMAN: Team U.S.A. taking this selfie.
[Camera shutter clicks]
WOMAN: He even finds time for the obligatory selfie.
[Camera shutter clicks]
WOMAN: How often do you get a selfie with a lemur?
[Camera shutter clicks]
WOMAN: There's even a doggy selfie station.
[Camera shutter clicks]
MAN: Look at him. Ooh. Nice.
That's a selfie. [Camera shutter clicks]
MAN: That's the back of a pickup truck rolling down the highway.
That's a selfie, huh?
[Camera shutter clicks]
MAN: That is the ultimate selfie.
[Camera shutter clicks]
[Applause]
And finally tonight,
finally tonight, Twitter.
It's not just for pithy observations, dick pics,
or messages to your favorite One Direction member
who for some reason never responds to you.
What is wrong, Liam?
What part of "u up?" don't you understand?
It has also become a valuable venue
for hashtag discussions on serious social issues.
For instance, this week,
after the release of the Ray Rice video,
Twitter was the home for a national conversation
about domestic violence.
On the hashtags, "Why I stayed" and "Why I left,"
brave survivors are exposing the vicious cycle of abuse.
MAN: Because every time was the last time.
#whyistayed.
And because I was pregnant
and wanted my daughter to have a dad.
#whyistayed.
Now, that is clearly a positive tool.
Giving victims a voice and providing everyone else
a glimpse into the complicated realities of the issue.
The problem is when something like this then happens.
Pizza maker DiGiorno is under fire tonight
about using a Twitter hashtag about domestic violence
in order to promote itself.
A message saying "You had pizza" with the hashtag "Why I stayed."
Wow, DiGiorno. That is a fuckup.
I did not think you could do anything
more viscerally offensive than produce a microwaveable pizza,
but I was wrong.
Here is the problem--
Twitter conversations and corporations don't mix.
For instance, there was a tweet this week marking 9/11
saying today is the 13th anniversary of 9/11.
We remember those lost and honor those
still fighting for freedom.
#911never forget.
It's a fine tweet.
It's just a little weird that it came from--
and this is true--Fleshlight,
the famous purveyors of fake vaginas on a stick.
And look, I--I hate to sound old-fashioned here,
but when in deep grief, I don't want to hear anything
from a cylinder topped with a silicone replica
of a woman's genitals you can stick your dick in.
You really want that cylinder to remain respectfully silent.
And it wasn't just Fleshlight.
The Build-a-Bear Workshop tweeted this picture
of a bear wearing camouflage,
and Medieval Times posted this image.
Oh, yes, those horses will never forget where they were on 9/11,
presumably because they were in a dark basement in New Jersey,
being fed rotten carrots by a suburban teenager
dressed as a squire.
But that's not the point.
That's not the point.
Look. Look, companies.
Your silence is never going to be controversial.
No one will ever go, "I can't believe it.
"Skittles didn't tweet about 9/11 yesterday.
"They must support terrorism.
I'm never eating them again."
And yet, companies keep trying to get involved in conversations
they have no business being in.
On Martin Luther King Jr. Day, Popchips posted a quote
referring to him as "an eternal poptimist."
On--on Pearl Harbor's anniversary,
SpaghettiOs tweeted this picture
of a SpaghettiO holding an American flag.
And when Casey Anthony was acquitted
and "not guilty" was trending,
Entenmann's got involved, tweeting,
"Who's hashtag not guilty
about eating all the tasty treats they want?"
Not only is that offensive, it's basically pointless.
The best and only advertising Entenmann's needs
is a circular yellow sticker that says
"Only one dollar" on it.
That's it.
Because that's what corporations don't understand.
Twitter is a cocktail party,
where friends and strangers can meet and chat.
Corporations don't belong there.
It's like having Tony the Tiger burst into a conversation
and say, "They're grrrreat!
"Right, guys?
Whatever you were talking about."
"Tony, we were talking about Megan's abortion.
"What is wrong with you?
"Why are you even here, Tony?
Get out of here, Tony!"
So, so, with that in mind,
I would like to speak directly to corporations,
because I think I have an appropriate hashtag game
that I would love you to play.
It's called hashtag "We understand
"that as corporate entities our presence in certain discussions
"is not always required, so we will strive
to limit our activities to just selling you shit."
And if any of you are thinking,
"Well, that's too long," it's not.
It's exactly 140 characters,
so you can't fuck it up by adding anything else.
If any officially verified business tweets this,
we will retweet it from our account,
on the solemn understanding that the next time
there's a hashtag out there that seems popular,
you will stay the fuck out of it.
That is our show. Thank you so much for watching this week.
We'll see you again next Sunday. Good night!
[Cheering and applause]
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